I’m going to be honest about something because I can feel myself starting to want to shut down, and I can’t let that happen.
I’ve stumbled upon a new thing that the Lord wants to repair in me, and this involves ripping off that bandaid, and looking at my ugly wound, and it’s painful. This is just a struggle, and I am going to move past it. But right now, in this moment, I am fighting, and I’m struggling. I have to be real about that if I want to keep moving forward. I can’t do any of this in my own strength.
Right now I am trying to figure it out, the Lord has been searching me, I’ve been reflecting on some things, and I am feeling a lot pain and I don’t like it. I don’t where it comes from, but I’m heading towards the cause of pain and I’m going to face it and deal with it. I know what’s on the other side of this though, because the Lord has done this time and time again in my life, I can look back and see what He’s done and how He is good. I know that the Lord takes me through these things…. “through” these things. What’s on the other side is good. He does it because He loves me.
Interesting that I’ve been thinking and writing a lot about “battle” and I’ve already written down how to remind myself of how to fight. I know where to go, and that’s THE WORD. THE TRUTH. JESUS CHRIST.
One of the things I’ve been battling this week is self-condemnation. It’s subtle and even though I’ve been fighting it off, suddenly I am seeing it’s ugly effects, so I know somehow some of it got has gotten through. How did this happen? Well I’m asking the Lord to try and figure that out, but most of all so that He can fix what only He can fix. I know there’s something ugly there that I’m going to have to face. But I know that my Lord is there with me as I face it. He sees it and still loves me beyond imagination.
The last couple of weeks have felt like climbing upwards on a roller coaster and then excitedly getting over that hill (you know that giddy feeling?) only to hit another hill unexpectedly, taking me flying back down uncontrollably. I don’t like that.
But I’m still on the roller coaster, and I’m hanging on, and I’m still moving forward.
This is probably one of the most vulnerable posts I’ve written in a while because I am writing it from an “I’m in the middle of this” place…
I’d like to tell you that by the end of this post all is resolved in me. I’d love to not have to write this post today, but it’s part of it. It’s part of the journey.
Lord Jesus, I thank you for leading me to yet another bandaid, for helping me to face the ugly things in me that I don’t like to see in myself. You’re there with me – as I peel back this bandaid and take a look at this ugly wound that I’m ashamed of –my face cringing as I look at it…but Your face tells a different story as you look at me and my ugly wound with an unconditional love. I thank you for loving me, Lord. Thank you for not letting me stay all bandaged up. You are here to repair! Forgive me for where I have not been in agreement with you. Jesus, You are my help, my Savior, my deliverer, my hope, the shadow I take refuge in, my strength, my defense, my dwelling place, my Shepherd, my peace, and my victory! I will look to You. I will trust in You, even when I don’t understand why I am where I am. I know you’re taking me where I need to go.