You know, earlier on in my life, I couldn’t see the Holy Spirit for who He really is.
I knew there was something called a “Holy Ghost” but for many years I didn’t see Him as a person who was there with me so closely. I didn’t know the importance of inviting the Holy Spirit to empower and guide me from within.
Why? Fear that distorted my seeing and thinking.
In all honesty, the thought of an unseen Holy “ghost” was very uncomfortable and spooky for me at that point in my life. Rather than leaning on Him for comfort and guidance I thought it would be easier to just tune it all out –and I mean ALL, even the thought of angels. I mean, most people are comforted when they think of angels, right? Well, I wasn’t. It was easier for me to ignore and pretend none of that was there because it all spooked me so much. The fear I had allowed into my life was blocking me from seeing the truth, keeping me from something true and good.
But God… (I love that phrase 🙂 don’t you? There are so many of these in my story.)
Thankfully the Lord helped me to break through that massive wall when I first started actually facing fear and panic. Oh the discomfort when I would be alone and allowed myself to have a tiny thought of the fact that He’s there. I could barely think about it without going into panic and then I had to go and find another human being to be around so I didn’t get spooked out and spin into panic. It was so unhealthy, and it’s really embarrassing to share about, but it’s the truth of what I went through, what the Lord brought me through.
I really think that we can be living so deep in fear that a lot of times we have to come back out of it in phases, kind of like an onion. Layers. I know that this has been the case for me so far. Maybe it doesn’t work that way for many, but it has been this way for me.
But I was thinking this morning, as I sit here in His presence –how much my perception of the Holy Spirit has changed over the years. How it has gone from that distorted way of thinking into having relationship with Him.
“Send out your light and your truth; let them lead me; let them bring me to your holy hill and to your dwelling!” – Psalm 43:3
Looking back, how when I faced the panic and fear that was blinding me and invited Him into my life rather than pushing Him away –how much He has helped me, how He has so lovingly and gently become a teacher in my life, how He leads me and guides me in my daily tasks and decisions… and I’m just so thankful for that. I depend on that!
“But the Advocate, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, will teach you all things and will remind you of everything I have said to you.” – John 14:26
I’m thankful for the clarity that comes from knowing and seeing the truth.
Over the last couple of years, how I have leaned on Him. How I have learned to rest in His presence and allow His peace to come. How He has led me to where I am, leading me, inviting me, urging me to take steps in a direction – so gently and gentlemanly, and yet something is so intense within me that I feel I must do the things I am led to do.
I asked Him for that though, being the stubborn human being that I am, I asked Him to take that ugly stubbornness and transform it into determination. That instead of having a stubbornness that would hold me back, that I would instead have a fierce determination to do what He leads me to do.
Well, something happened, I’ll tell you that.
A treasure of Truth is just on the other side of the wall of fear.
I am learning that the best way through is to just bust right through it. Demolish that wall.
“When the Spirit of truth comes, he will guide you into all the truth, for he will not speak on his own authority, but whatever he hears he will speak, and he will declare to you the things that are to come.” – John 16:13