If you’ve followed along with me in my daily journal, then you’ve probably read about some of the health issues I’ve dealt with over the course of my life.
I’ve dealt with Type 1 Diabetes since I was 11 years old—and I’d say that my body has “handled it well” over the years, in spite of myself.
In addition to dealing with diabetes, I had a fall last year that caused some issues in my spine (or so I discovered after about a year of strange issues), so in addition to dealing with diabetes, I’ve had some additional health issues to overcome this year, which turned into a new, unexpected journey into some things the Lord was wanting to show me through it all.
For a while though, until I got some answers, I thought,
“God, can I handle anything more? What is going to become of my life?? I thought You are taking me into healing and wholeness, but this is just too much for me to handle…what am I going to do? I’m getting worse and not better!”
Little did I know that this new thing that temporarily added more sickness to my body would help to catapult me even further in my journey…
But God knew…
And He has been so faithful to lead me in the way I should go, and because of Him, I have been able to overcome so much, but there are still days that I stop, and I look at where I’m standing, and I look at my current limitations, and I look at where I’d like to be, and I realize I still have a way to go in my journey of healing that God started me on years ago.
In the “beginning” the idea of finding “healing” was part of the thing that began to drive me to seek God more…
“God, do You really heal this way today?” I asked.
“Could You have healing in store for my life?” “Do You want to heal me, Father?”…. I began to ask Him all kinds of questions I hadn’t really considered before.
As I began to ponder these questions in my life…. as I began to seek prayer for healing (which, at this time, seemed to turn into prayer regarding “fear” I noticed…) and I began to dig into the Word on the truths of healing, and then I began to seek His heart about who I really am, in Him… and I began to realize that this was going to be far deeper than just physical healing for me.
God took me on a journey of “healing”… but it was not the kind of healing journey that I would have ever expected…
“God, will You take this way? God, will You take this away??”….. but He didn’t just “take it away” like I would have preferred.
No, He did not just miraculously heal me instantly of Type 1 Diabetes like I would have loved…(Oh, that would have been so convenient!)… instead He took my hand and led me into one of the most exciting adventures with Him, something I would have never dreamed of for myself and for my life.
I began to realize that He was doing a deeper healing work in me, from the “inside out”….within the deepest parts of me, not just my physical body, but so much deeper… and that it would be more of a process—more of a journey than just a “quick miracle.”
And do you know what? I’m so thankful it’s happening this way. 💖
I’m so thankful He didn’t just do it the “quick and easy way” because I wouldn’t trade anything for the times He and I have shared together in this beautiful journey I’m on with Him.
I wouldn’t trade anything for the times of “bonding” we have had.
Sometimes “healing” can be far more of a journey than we would ever expect, and honestly, than we would want at the time in the beginning…
But do you know what I’ve realized?
At the very “beginning” of this journey of seeking Him for “healing”…
“My healing” was the “main thing” that drove me… it wasn’t so much a simple desire to know Him, it wasn’t so much a simple desire to be close with Him. I knew I had some deep root issues, but I didn’t know they were so connected and intertwined —but He did.
And He knew that He would use the attempts of the enemy, the attempts to steal my life—to shut down my life… to only draw me closer to Him. 💖
I didn’t realize that there were SOOOO many things that needed healing in me… I didn’t realize there were sooooo many things that needed to be uprooted in me…. fears, insecurities, extreme self-hatred, bitterness, unforgiveness, jealousy, issues in my thinking…
And as much as I long for that complete healing to manifest in my body, as much as I’d love for Him to just go ahead and complete it… I know that there is a reason He is doing it this way.
And I trust Him. I trust Him now, more than ever before!
I know that there is a process He wants me to go through… because there have been some things He’s wanted to transform in me, and in my life.
And I know that this way that He’s taking me on, is just as GOOD of Him to do, than if He were to heal my body, fully and completely, instantly.
His ways are higher than our ways.
His path is better than the one we’d like to take sometimes.
All that being said…
This is key:
“Never let the fire in your heart go out. Keep it alive. Serve the Lord. When you hope, be joyful. When you suffer, be patient. When you pray, be faithful.“—Romans 12:11-12
I am realizing just how important it is to not give up hope, to dwell on His promises and not to forget them.—to remember what He is doing in the journey.
It’s actually amazing to me, how “my healing” is not my main desire anymore… He has given me peace, that if my body isn’t healed of diabetes until I get to heaven, I would be okay, I know that I would live my life to the fullest, even still, because of Him.
But there is something in me that wants Him to be so glorified in all of this…
There is something in me that wants to see all of this backfire on the enemy…. and burst into a story that will bring God glory!
That was not my heart’s motive before… but somehow He’s changed that. ✨
And I am reminded to not lose hope, to not lose faith, and to remember that He has something good in store for me, and that “good” doesn’t always look like a “good thing” that we might expect.
But His “goodness” always far more “good” than what our idea of “goodness” is…
That being said…
This morning I read a word from Lana Vawser that so encouraged me, and so reminded me— and it helped to keep the “flame of hope” going alive and strong within me…
(And right as I started reading her word, this song also came on…so consider listening to them together at the same time…)
Because there is something within me that screams—it bursts… that one day I will be healed of diabetes on this side of heaven. ✨
Believing that statement doesn’t make sense, and yet there is something deep within me that believes it.
I don’t know how it would look, I don’t know how it would happen…
But I believe I’m headed there.
And I am so thankful that God is healing me, this way… because He has taken me on the most beautiful journey with Him that I never would have dreamed possible. 🌈✍🏻
He has taken me so much closer to His heart than I ever would have dreamed possible…
He’s so much more….. than I ever dreamed possible.
Knowing Him, walking through all of this with Him, is so much more joyful than I ever would have dreamed possible.
And He’s allowing me to experience His goodness in this journey with Him, in spite of the challenges, in spite of the physical pain, in spite of the mountains that have yet to be overcome….
It’s all worth it. It’s ALL worth it.
I am experiencing His goodness in my life, and great JOY….
…in spite of everything I have to face, which really is so small when compared to eternity.
Thank You, Father.💝 I trust in You. ☀️ And even when I can’t see the things You are doing, I know You are doing Your most beautiful “behind-the-scenes” kind of work. Thank You for taking me on a journey that I never would have dreamed possible! 💖