The Lord has been taking me through different hindrances in my life and today (well, yesterday afternoon) He brought me to something new…

I realized that I have been viewing “confidence” in an incorrect way.

I realized that I’ve had an inaccurate view of what “confidence” looks like. I’ve somehow mixed in pride and arrogance —the idea that you can’t be humble and too confident at the same time. That’s false though. Jesus had a “Kingdom Confidence”. There’s nothing wrong with this kind of confidence. In fact, it’s completely necessary.

“The Christian gospel is that I am so flawed that Jesus had to die for me, yet I am so loved and valued that Jesus was glad to die for me. This leads to deep humility and deep confidence at the same time. It undermines both swaggering and sniveling. I cannot feel superior to anyone, and yet I have nothing to prove to anyone. I do not think more of myself nor less of myself. Instead, I think of myself less.” -Tim Keller, The Reason for God

It’s not about confidence in my own ability, it’s about confidence in what the Lord can do through me, that I can be used. It’s about confidence in who the Lord says I am. I shouldn’t shut that down and disqualify myself. I do need this kind of confidence or else I am limiting what God can do through me.

…but it’s hard to have “Kingdom Confidence” when I’m in the middle of self-rejection.

“Rejection“…. “Well, Lord, I can’t think of any times I’ve faced any traumatic rejection?” And then it hit me…. “Self-rejection”

Ugh.

Then I began to see all the little ways that I still do it. I still shut certain things down that perhaps God may want to do in my life –without even realizing I’m doing it. How I’ve been quite settled in this way of being.

“The greatest enemy of the spiritual life is self-rejection because it contradicts the Voice that calls you beloved.” –Henri Nouwin

Wow.

I know now that this is the next thing I’ll have to get over. I have a feeling that the best place to start is with the Word –the truth.

“I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.” – Psalm 139:14

As I was thinking about all of this, a song came on…

“Wonderfully Made” by Ellie Holcomb

It’s two in the morning
And I’m still awake in my bed
And I can’t shake these lies that keep reading
Around in my head

What if I saw me, the way that You see me?
What if I believed it was true?
What if I traded, this shame and self-hatred?
For a chance at believing You

That You knit me together
In my mother’s womb
And You say that I’ve never been
Hidden from You
And You say that I’m wonderfully
Wo-onderfully made

You search me and know me
You know when I sit, when I rise
So You must know the choices I’ve, made
And the pain that I hide

What if I saw me, the way that You see me?
What if I believed it was true?
What if I traded, this shame and self-hatred?
For a chance at believing You

‘Cause You knit me together
In my mother’s womb
And You say that I’ve never been
Hidden from You
And You say that I’m wonderfully
Wo-onderfully made
And Your eyes, they have seen me
Before I was born
And You know all the good things
That You made me for
And I’m wonderfully
Wo-onderfully made

And when I consider; the Heavens above
Ohhh what is man, that You’re mindful of us?
Still You say that we’re wonderfully
Wo-onderfully made
And You promise that You’ll never leave me, oh Lord
Oh that You hem me in, both behind and before
And I’m wonderfully
Wo-onderfully made

And You knit me together
In my mother’s womb
And You say that I’ve never been
Hidden from You
And You say that I’m wonderfully
Wo-onderfully made
And Your eyes, they have seen me
Before I was born
And You know all the good things
That You made me for
And I’m wonderfully
Wo-onderfully made
Wonderfully made…

Help me believe it
Help me to see me
Just like You see me
Just like You made me
Wonderfully made

P.S. Read more of the story behind the song HERE.

–Heather