We have been going through just about every single thing that we own, every single box, and that includes boxes of things from childhood –things we probably have never really gone through before.
One of the boxes contained some of my very early journals, notes and cards from friends, letters, drawings, poems. I had journals, drawings and notes starting from 1st grade.
I came across a note on ruled notebook paper folded into a little square. I opened it up to see what it was because really, there was no telling.
On the top of the crumpled up paper it says, “A prayer during the nightmare…”
As I read further down the page it begins,
I found a prayer “letter” that I had written to the Lord — in that moment I instantly remembered when and where I was when it was written. It was when Mawmaw had been diagnosed with Lung Cancer. I believe this note was written in 2001-2002. I was in my room one evening and I remember writing this letter and then getting on my knees to talk with Him about it.
In this letter I went on to ask the Lord if He would heal my Mawmaw, I asked that He would help us all through the nightmare, that He would comfort us and especially Pawpaw during this time, and I asked that His will be done, told the Lord that my faith was in Him and that all of this was in His hands.
Mawmaw did end up passing away from complications of Lung Cancer not too long after that, but I remember the unexplainable peace I experienced as we heard the news, driving back over to the hospital and seeing a huge evening rainbow in the sky. It was a peace that I later second-guessed and almost felt a guilt over.
I know the Lord was carrying us above the unexplainable, unbearable circumstance we were facing.
I found many more note pages of letters I had written to the Lord in addition to my journals.
Why I have always felt led to communicate with the Lord in letter format –in writing, I do not know. There is something about writing that prayer down…. writing to the Lord. It makes my thoughts and prayers seem more real when I put them on paper. Even when it comes to taking notes, a lot of the time I’ll jot things down even when I don’t need to, even when it’s not crucial for me to remember. Just writing things down helps me to remember them. And then when I want to look back, I can definitely see them to remember them.
But the really interesting thing is when the Lord sends “letters” back to me. That’s another post for another day. Still trying to process this one.
In this moment, I’m remembering back to when I was in 3rd or 4th grade, I had this fascination with pens and writing! Haha As I’m sitting here, I can remember being at Mawmaw and PawPaw’s house with all of their really nice pens, some were fancy, some where different colors, a couple were mine… and I would fill pages of a notebook just practicing writing different words with these pens, writing my name, signing my name, writing other things, just to see how the pens would write on the paper. I actually forgot about that for the longest time until just now. 🙂 You would think my handwriting would be immaculate but it’s actually the opposite most of the time. Jason can never read my writing. He often jokes about it 🙂
All of these memories are coming back as I rediscover my love for writing on a page of paper with a really good pen. A huge reason for this is because I was given the nicest fountain pen I have ever had for Christmas this year. It’s amazing. Never have I loved writing with a pen in my journal so much.
But going back to the prayer thing…
Something happens when I put a word on a paper that I can’t explain. It’s like it does more than just putting it down on paper. There’s something connected to my hand when I write something down that also does something in me that processes it. But I know it’s even more than that.
I love how the Lord helps us to discover so many creative ways to be in communication with Him.
In addition to writing in my journal, I find it interesting how some of the most sacred moments I’ve had talking with the Lord have been in places like my car and in the shower. How I love that we can always speak with Him, be in connection with Him at any time, any place, and in so many different and unexpected ways.