It’s so wonderful how the Lord gives us little reminders that cause our hope to rise — that give way to increased faith.
This morning, I was honestly trying my best not to dread a doctor appointment today.
Sometimes it feels like right before my endocrinologist appointments it seems like I am doing “worse”, not meeting my goals like I want to, not paying as much attention to doing the things I should do, and not having the control over my blood sugar levels like what is most ideal. Most of the time I do great, and eat like I should, but I’m not perfect. There is a level of almost a kind of “guilt” I often have to battle when I feel I am just not doing good enough with it. When times are challenging, usually that’s when I am more challenged to keep my levels balanced.
But this morning, the Lord somehow led me to read something, that led me to looking back into my journals to last September.
I looked at the pages and I had written down what I felt the Lord had spoken to me that day.
It was a reminder that I truly believe He is going to heal and restore me.
I don’t know how, I don’t know when, I don’t know why it hasn’t happened yet.
But these words I had written down in my journal on September 19th, 2018:
“My faith in receiving my healing has been rising up like crazy! Felt like the Lord spoke this to me today as this is what I just heard… ‘I am going to heal you, it is already done.'”
Honestly, I don’t dwell on, “When, Lord, when? Why hasn’t it happened?” almost obsessively as I have in the past. Why? Because I’m more focused on my life now, figuring out my purpose, leaning into Him to figure out what in the world I’m doing, what in the world I’m here for. But I do circle it in prayer.
It’s up to God when and how it happens, I’ve told Him that I just want it to glorify Him – all of the pain, all of the cost, all of the destruction…. I want it all to be used for a purpose, and that’s to glorify Him.
I also know that He’s shown me that He wants to do this thing in a “complete” way, and that can sometimes take a journey. It has already taken me down a journey where I have found so much healing already…I am being restored. I’m a restoration process.
Whew, this is a risky post, isn’t it? I don’t hesitate writing it down in the pages of my personal journal, but I hesitate writing it here. Why? “What if God doesn’t do it? Did I really hear Him clearly?” I don’t know what it’s going to look like, how it’s going to happen, but there’s this something within me that feels like it’s only a matter of time, that it’s a given, just a matter of when and how. I’m just hanging in there for now, living the healthiest I know how, and waiting on Him. I trust Him.
So maybe I should just go ahead and be vulnerable and write it down here too. ?
Especially on a day like this.