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4.14.19 – To See and Accept Where I’m Standing

Sometimes it’s hard to realize and accept that I’ve still got a ways to go when I want to already be “over that mountain”.

But if I’m not over that mountain already, then for goodness sake, let’s stay on that path in a slow and steady pace and not go recklessly and mindlessly off-roading somewhere off the path and start going “round the mountain” again –each step causing me to grow weary rather than taking me much of anywhere.

Did you know there’s such a thing as “fear of fear”?

I don’t think I realized it until my eyes were opened to it hiding within my own life.

…Until I realized that’s what I am currently facing. But I am facing it.

At times, it’s hard to look down at our feet and to see and accept where we are currently standing in our journey.

“Oh no, it’s trying to come back again…. I’m not at that place again…no no no no…. I will not let it, I will not let it, gotta fight it…gotta fight it off…I haven’t a spirit of fear… *plugs ears and sings la di da la di da while growing so weary*….”

While it’s true that I “haven’t a spirit of fear” it can be true that I’m having to face it at times. It’s true that we all have to face it in this life. I can quote scripture all I want, but that doesn’t mean I won’t have to still face it. But the good news is, I can choose to face it with my Savior, with my Deliverer. I can choose to face it “fearlessly” with Him.

While fear no longer has a hold on me, it can be true that my soul is still in the process of recovering from a lifestyle and a mindset of such extreme fear, that I’m still having to retrain my brain to think right. I’ll be over something in one way, but before I know it there’s another area my eyes hadn’t been opened to. But isn’t that just life? Isn’t this a good thing to come to these kinds of realizations? Isn’t that part of what this journey is about? Walking the path back home, and with each step we take comes a little more restoration. Each step takes us a little closer to healing. Sometimes no matter how much we desire “quick and instant recovery”, some kinds of wounds take more time and more steps of the journey to heal. But what if in ALL of that, we are simply writing the pages of our testimony? It’s all for a purpose, isn’t it? It’s all worth it. He is worth it. 💝

When I sense another area of fear in my life, my first reaction is to fight hard, or avoid it, not accept it, run from it, tune it out…. but this gets me no where. What if the right response is to just keep walking calmly alongside my Deliverer, to speak truth, to accept truth, and to keep moving forward –and walk right through that fear alongside my fearless and Mighty King Jesus. 🏃🏻‍♀️🌷☀️

I don’t know if this has anything to do with what I’ve written in my journal today, but this song by Sara Groves is on my mind…

“I’ve Been Here Before” by Sara Groves
I’ve been here before
Staring at a blank page
Waiting for the touch
Chasing down a muse that don’t like me much
I’ve been here before
Stretched out like a man under desert skies
Praying for the rain with a thirst inside
Oh, I’ve been here before
And I’ll tell you what I’ve seen
The hand of grace reaches down to me
A voice inside says I will be free
I’ve been here before
Wrapped up in a blanket trying to face the day
Looking for a reason and a better way
I’ve been here before
Shaking in my anger
Smoking like a gun
Wonderin’ why I can’t do better than I’ve done
I’ve been here before
Resting in a pasture, honey on my tongue
Resting by still waters
I’ve been here before
Feasting at a table in a barren land
Sayin’ I’ll never doubt never doubt again
Sayin’ I’ll never doubt never doubt again
A voice inside says I will be free

-Heather 🌺

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