Going to be quite vulnerable and honest with you this morning. But that’s part of what this journaling thing is about though, isn’t it?
I’ve been reflecting this morning on some of the “silent battles”, the “self-battles” I often have to face — there are times I deal with these battles more than others.
The last few days, perhaps the last few weeks, I’ve had to face more of those than usual. One day might be just fine, and the next might be a really awful struggle to remain in a state of peace.
Yesterday and the day before I found myself saying this to the Lord,
“Father, why am I this way? I don’t want to battle with myself like this all the time, will You help me? I need to remember what You think of me, I need to be certain of how You see me. I just want to think the way You think, Jesus. I don’t want to have to deal with these awful, overanalyzing, destructive thoughts of insecurity, this self-bashing, these assumptions about what others must think of me, these thoughts of wanting to just fade away, these feelings of unimportance, feelings of not being good enough, the turmoil…”
It was one of those moments when I cried out to Him, asked Him to search me through and through, and asked Him to help me to clear out all of the junk that tries to take up space in my head. When those thoughts get stuck in there, when the cycles of thinking get started, sometimes it’s can be hard to break away.
I know what when I’m focused more on battling thoughts of insecurity, on “What’s wrong with me”, I’m not thinking how I should. My thinking doesn’t really have others in mind. I’m not thinking with the mind of Christ.
If I’m not careful to take this to the Lord quickly, it can do much destruction. Sometimes I can even see the destruction starting to happen as I start to react out of these thoughts.
So what do I do?
It’s in moments like these, I cry out to my Heavenly Father. ?
I ask Him to stop the cycle. He hits the pause button. He stops the world for a minute.
I turn my head and my heart inside out and present all my mess to Him.
He and I sit down together and we look at the mess…
“Father, bring me back into alignment, bring me back into Your peace. Forgive me for giving in to thinking thoughts of insecurity, forgive me for believing the thoughts that tell me that I’m unimportant, unnecessary, don’t belong…”
Then we sit down together and we look at the truth, and He fills me back up again. ?
Whether I must do this every week, every day, every minute…. I know I can take comfort knowing that my Heavenly Father is there, ready to help me sort out all of my mess. Ready to draw me close, and ready to refill me with His peace. If all of my battles lead to this place with Him, then that’s alright with me. I’m willing to face them.
He reminds me that He’s doing a work in me, and He’ll follow through on what He’s started. It’s a beautiful promise, isn’t it?
Thank you, Father. ?