I am realizing in this life, just how much it’s, “not about me”.
I mean, sure it is a life where I encounter the Lord for myself, get to know Him for myself, and come to the realization that He loves me in such a personal and unique way. So in that way, yes, it’s “just me and God”.
But as a person whose “default” is selfishness…. I am learning how so little is “about me” in this life.
So much of what God does in our lives is beyond what we are seeking for ourselves.
It’s so beyond “me”…
As I was first really getting to know God, gaining the courage to even just ask Him for healing, to know my purpose, and to break out of habits and ways that are destructive — what I had in mind for myself was so different than what He had in mind. What He is doing in my life is far beyond and far greater than what I had hoped for.
In all honesty, I had so hoped that as I gained the courage to ask Him to give me a miracle, I hoped that it would instantly be done. Because, I mean, wouldn’t that be nice? Then I could just live “happily ever after”, right?
But it hasn’t been that way.
Instead He has taken me on a journey.
He has kept me in the waiting, He has kept me in a place of learning to trust, no matter how the situation may seem. He is teaching me that this life is more about learning to reflect Him than it is about “me” and about what I want, what I want Him to do for me.
This life is more about learning to surrender my will to Him. An unexpected part of my journey is Him bringing me out of my self-centeredness.
Sure, He wants me whole and complete, but it is up to Him how that happens, and when, and how…. it’s not up to me.
I will trust that He knows what He is doing.
I will trust that He has me on this journey — this journey that has turned into something far beyond what I ever expected or even hoped for — it’s all for a reason and a purpose beyond my understanding.
Here is what I can honestly say…
All of what He is doing in and with my life is far better than if He would have just completely healed me all at once in the very beginning.
Over the last few years I’ve had this scene in my head from the movie The Wizard of Oz. It’s where Dorothy and the others get to the Wizard and she witnesses everyone else find what they have been seeking, but then she realizes that it doesn’t seem that what she has been searching for is there in that bag for her…
And I’ll be honest, I have cried to the Lord in that same way…
“God, do you have something for me in Your hand? Do you have the healing and miracle I have been seeking?”
But you know, the Lord’s ways are higher than my ways. I have to resist disappointment. I can know and rest in the knowing that He does things in a way that are not only for my best, but also for the best of others. This life is intertwined with so many others lives, it’s so not just about me and what I am seeking. His ways are far beyond our ways.
As I have been seeking, I have watched how along this journey, this journey of a “most selfish girl seeking something for herself”, how this has turned into something so much bigger, and broader, and deeper than I could have imagined.
I have gone from seeking something from Him, to seeking Him. How did that happen in my heart? I don’t know. He is truly doing a deep work in that way that beautiful way that only He can do.
And you know what? I’m thankful, and I am content. Am I still seeking wholeness from the Lord? Yes, but somehow all of that has gone from being the main thing to an extremely secondary, back burner kind of thing in my life.
I know that I can trust His ways. I know that as long as I am seeking His will, I can rest… I can know that He will take care of me in a way that only He can. I don’t need to be concerned about my own life and what I feel are my needs, because I know that I am living in His hands and in His care. He is taking care of me in a way that is far beyond my understanding.
He is going to complete in me what He started. He is going to get me there.
The journey He takes us on is far more valuable than we realize. It is in the journey that He takes us from seeking His will for “my life” to seeking Him, and just plain and simply “seeking His will”.
How He knows what we truly need. I’m going to leave that up to Him.
“Though the fig tree does not bud
and there are no grapes on the vines,
though the olive crop fails
and the fields produce no food,
though there are no sheep in the pen
and no cattle in the stalls,
yet I will rejoice in the Lord,
I will be joyful in God my Savior.
The Sovereign Lord is my strength;
he makes my feet like the feet of a deer,
he enables me to tread on the heights.” – Habakkuk 3:17-19
He takes us deeper and He takes us higher than we could ever imagine.