Every now and then I find myself digging into a rabbit hole of research on personality, on why we humans do the things we do, why God created us the way we have been created to be. I sit and wonder and think on how we are designed to be a certain way, and so often these qualities that make us who we are get distorted and skewed, and instead of being used for the Kingdom, the dark side can get ahold of us and when we allow this to happen, we can take ourselves down a dark path.
This is what happened to me for most of my life when it comes to “sensitivity”.
You see, I feel things deeply, and that can be overwhelming sometimes. I am what you would call a “Highly Sensitive Person” and growing up, I didn’t understand why I would be so overwhelmed with everything. Instead of learning to use these qualities for good, instead of taking them back to the Lord and asking Him to turn me into who He created me to be, I came to the conclusion that I was some kind of mistake, and then really I did the damage with my own hateful words and actions, and walked that dark and lonely path for many, many years.
Do you know what I “learned to do” in my life? I learned to shut myself down. Take myself into hiding. I “learned” to speak words of hatred over myself. I asked, “what’s wrong with me, what’s wrong with me?” and for years I made the decision that I was better off being hidden away from society because it was just too hard.
Over the last few years my eyes have been opened up to the realization of the attempt that has been on my life to muzzle me and shut me down, and take me out –I unknowingly and willingly joined forces with the enemy for many years.
But over the last few years, as I’ve turned around, as I’ve walked back into the light, I handed my heart over to the Lord and I’ve said, “Here You go, Father, examine it. I’m handing it back over to you because I’ve not done this thing well on my own. Tell me who I really am. Tell me about who You made me to be? And I’m ready to truly know who You are too, Father. Help me through this. Show me how to live this life.”
This has been my life over the last few years. A journey of discovery of who I am, and who He truly is.
Do you know what He’s showing me?
That He made me this way for a reason and a purpose. He made me the way HE MADE ME to be used for good –not to be taken off onto a dark and lonely path, not to be hidden away and excluded from the world. Not to be left on the “island of misfit toys”…
Here is what the Lord has been showing me…
“I’ve made you to think and dream deeply.
I’ve made you to feel compassion, to be deeply moved –don’t be afraid to be moved.
I’ve created you to be empathetic, to feel, to understand, and to return all of that to Me…
I’ve made you to sense when something isn’t right so you’ll know to pray and take it to Me, to rest in Me…
I’ve made you to cry… that’s how I designed you for this earth…tears are cleansing and healing. Don’t hold them back.
I’ve created you to take certain things seriously –some things need to be searched out…
I’ve given you an eye for details, for depth, to be observant, to see the things I show you…
All those times you wore your heart on your sleeve, when you couldn’t hide how you felt, and when your face turned red… it’s okay. Just give all of that over to Me, let Me always guide you in what to do with it all.
I’ve created you to be vulnerable and honest before the world, I don’t want you to shut it down or hide it. Shame and embarrassment are not of Me.
In your weakness, I can be strong.
In your vulnerability, I will show up.
You will not be defined as “shy”, not by yourself, and not by others.
I don’t live in a box and I didn’t create you to live in one either.
I have not given you a spirit of timidity, but one of power, and of love, and a sound mind.
Walk with Me, daughter, I will show you how to walk, I will teach You who you are, I will show you how to live. Watch Me redeem and restore all of the damage that has been done.”