This is probably going to be quite a vulnerable and honest kind of post…
Have you ever been in this place of not understanding something that’s going on with you –maybe it’s something that God is doing within you, or within your life around you…. but you just don’t really “understand” it and sometimes it just feels like “something’s wrong” with you? You immediately go to, “What’s going on with me? What’s ‘wrong’ with me?”
Over the last two years, now… it seems like the Lord has placed an extreme hunger in me, an extreme curiosity to understand His ways, to understand what He’s doing, what He’s doing in me, and honestly, what’s going on in others that He’s doing.
It’s a kind of “longing” that is hard to explain, and honestly I’ve tried to push it back down sometimes when I feel I’ve just “gone too far.”
Over the course of these last two years, it feels like I’ve gone from, “OH! I understand now!” and I’ll connect a few dots, to “What in the world? Lord, what’s going on? Is something wrong with me?” I find myself constantly searching, constantly wondering, constantly searching the Word, constantly wanting to ask so. many. questions.
I’ll ask the Lord and when it’s not clear, I find myself digging and digging, searching and searching. Clinging to the Word, Binging on teachings and podcasts and audiobooks…. and I’ll admit to you, sometimes I have to work really hard to not let it get in the way of my daily work. At times, I have to work hard to not let it dominate my conversations because it’s all I want to talk about sometimes.
I know that part of this is because of the way I’m wired, as an INFJ personality type. But I’ve been an INFJ personality type all of my life, and this didn’t hit until the last couple of years, in this intense kind of way.
So… I have to wonder if perhaps the Lord placed it there, if it’s more necessary than I’ve realized.
Obsessed with God? Is that a thing? Obsessed with searching out matters?
I do know one thing. If the Lord hadn’t of placed such a “hunger” within me, I don’t know that I would have been so driven to push past some of the fears that have held me back for most of my life. I wonder if that needed to happen in order for me to keep driving forward with the Lord.
Because sometimes, when I find myself not wanting to push past something, that hunger to know and understand will so rise up that I find myself utterly compelled to find out, to search it out, to understand, to “go” because I don’t want to miss out.
“You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.” -Jeremiah 29:13
But I’ll admit to you… that “hunger” that I’ve discovered within myself sure does make me feel weird sometimes.
At times I’ll feel embarrassed, and I’ll attempt to hold it back. But I’ve found that it will only rise up again and again and I’ll find myself searching and seeking and asking again.
“Blessed are you who hunger now,
for you will be satisfied.” -Luke 6:21
To this I’ve said, Lord, I trust You…. I trust Your Word…. but right now it feels like I’m not even close to having this hunger “satisfied” ?…and then something hits and it’s the most wonderful kind of eye-opening understanding that brings me even closer to Him. It’s worth all of the hunger.
I didn’t used to have this kind of hunger, and honestly I’m not sure when it really began, and what caused this.
But I do know this…
This kind of desire has caused me to push past a lot of my fears, and it’s led me right into this place of closeness with the Lord. It’s like He’s given me this hunger, this curiosity, this drive, to help “drive” me right into His arms –exactly where I need to be. Isn’t that a beautiful picture?
Fear had so skewed my view of Him, that I couldn’t see who He really is for most of my life. Fear tried to separate me from Him, but He knew what was necessary to drive me to the place I need to be, the place where I am able to get to know Him, and to learn about His true character.
I wasn’t meant to run from Him, I wasn’t meant to hide from Him…
I was made to dwell with Him. ?
Thank you, Father. I was so afraid of You for so long, and now I know just how wonderful You truly are. I may feel like I’m “too much” or “too weird” sometimes these days, but I’m so thankful for this “hunger” You have placed within me — this hunger that has driven me right to You.