I remember a time that my heart was filled with such bitterness, I couldn’t experience and perceive God clearly.
I had been “saved” years before, and I was excited about God around that time, but somehow the bitterness creeped in and took me over because I let it —the bitterness, the fear, the anger, the jealousy, the self-hatred….. all of it sort of “gunked” up my heart, and I became completely miserable.
Completely tormented—afraid of the devil and afraid of God.
So let’s just say I didn’t feel “warm and fuzzy” toward God at that time, especially not as my heavenly Father.
I didn’t feel all warm and fuzzy when I decided to turn my heart toward Him. I had to push through a whirlwind of fear to start at the step of forgiveness and laying my pride down.
But it was around that time that He really began doing the transformation work within my heart.
I grew up knowing Jesus as a tiny little girl, but soon fears and all the “stuff” that I “collected” got in the way, and I lost sight. My heart grew cold and dark.
As I look back now, looking from point A to point —wherever I am now… it’s so obvious to me that something happened…. but how? But when exactly? ✨
It’s His beautiful, mysterious heart transformation work that only He can do. ?
He gave me over to the sin that I chose to hold onto, but there was a point in time where it was all over, and I began to find myself walking through certain situations in my life —and it felt like it was God pursuing me so passionately and persistently, almost urgently.
And He was. ?
Here’s the thing…
I don’t remember feeling “warm and fuzzy” toward God before turning my heart back toward Him.
I don’t recall “having it all together” and having everything all “fixed” and “right” with my attitude before turning my heart back toward Him.
No, I remember the realization of how desperately I needed Him in my life, I had reached the end of being able to live the way I was living, and it was then, at that point…. that I looked toward Him, and I turned to look at Him.
He took the transformation part from there…. I can’t tell you the “B, C, D, E…” parts because I don’t know exactly…
All I know is that He pursued me. ?
He could see who He made me to be, underneath all the darkness that was covering up my heart.
I’m thankful that He didn’t give up on me. ????
We don’t have to be “perfect” or even in a “good place” in order to look to Jesus…. we can be in the worst place we’ve ever been in that very moment.
But when we simply look to Him, when we just catch a glimpse of Him…chasing after ‘me’….. everything begins to change from that point.
And then we become able to begin opening up our hearts because we trust Him… and then begins the journey of unraveling.
And then begins the journey to really know and discover Him. ?
…and then we live the rest of our lives, becoming more in love with His beautiful heart— living in awe of His ways.
“Even now,” says the Lord,—Joel 2:12-13 AMP
“Turn and come to Me with all your heart [in genuine repentance],
With fasting and weeping and mourning [until every barrier is removed and the broken fellowship is restored];
Rip your heart to pieces [in sorrow and contrition] and not your garments.”
Now return [in repentance] to the Lord your God,
For He is gracious and compassionate,
Slow to anger, abounding in lovingkindness [faithful to His covenant with His people];
And He relents [His sentence of] evil [when His people genuinely repent].
Thank You, Lord. Even when I was at my worst, You always saw me at my best, You always saw me as who You’ve created me to be. Thank You for passionately pursuing me, even then…. and for never giving up on me. ?