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8.12.2020 – “Am I being authentically me?”

I have to ask myself that question from time to time…

This morning, the Lord took me back through my dream journal for 2019, and I came to one of my dreams, and in this dream I was frantically “looking, looking, looking” for a place, a bathroom, where I could change into some “better looking clothes” before I could go to this place where I was going…. and do you know, this hindered me… I was going to be late to where I was going because of this…

In this dream, I was frantically looking for a place to change into some “better looking clothes” because I didn’t think my current clothing was “good enough” for me to wear to be able to go this place where I was going. The clothing I had on wasn’t muddy or soiled, but it was just my “around the house” clothes, my authentic clothes.

While I believe this dream was about a specific situation from around the time I had the dream, and I know that clothing can mean a couple of different things in a dream, but I believe there is “something here” that applies as an “everyday” reminder for me—to remind me to come “as I am”….“wearing my clothes” that I have on, and not to waste time trying to change into “better looking clothing” in order to go where I am going, in order to be seen a certain way by others—but to be authentic, and to be who God made me to be, to come to Him as I am, wear my clothing, and to not feel like I have to “change into my better clothes” in order to “appear and look a certain way” in order to go to where I need to go, to be seen by others.

Every time I start looking around at other people, and then I look at myself in comparison, and I look at what “I have” and “what I am wearing” and I feel disappointed in myself… or I feel less than or not good enough or even frustrated… He reminds me that there is a reason why He created me to be “me” and not “anyone else”… there is a purpose in that, and I don’t need to be frustrated about the fact that He has me on a unique journey—a journey that is not meant to look like anyone else’s journey, and it’s okay.

And even if I can’t see it in the moment, He reminds me to trust Him.

The reason He created me to be me, is so that I can do the things that He’s created me to do.

He’s constantly reminding me of that anytime I start comparing or thinking wrong.

If I run from being who I really am…. will I be able to do the things He’s created for me and only me to do?

If I attempt to cover myself in clothing that I have that “appears better, but isn’t me” will I be able to do what He’s created me to do?

Am I using what He has given me? Am I coming as I am? Or am I deeming what He has given me as “not good enough” or not “usable”?

Am I forgetting that He takes me as I am, where I am, and He covers me with His robe of righteousness?

You know, when God put it on my heart to start this journal, I really didn’t know what I was going to write about, I just knew it was going to be called “” and I didn’t think anybody would ever read it, and I certainly didn’t think God would have me write about the things I’ve gone through, the things I’m going through, the things I’m currently wrestling through… so publicly, and so vulnerably.

But this is where He led me to. This is what He put on my heart. And this is where it all comes from. ?

And do you know, it hasn’t killed me? ? ? I’m still alive! haha

Sure, I have cringed a time or two at what I’ve had to write about so publicly, sure I’ve had to deal with the lies and accusations of the enemy after writing certain things, sure I’ve wanted to go back and delete some things and shut it all down…. sure I’ve wanted to hide…

But more than anything I’m finding more and more freedom as He teaches me to come to Him as “me” and how to live authentically, as He shows me the places that need to come into the light, as He reveals the places where I am not in “alignment” with His design. ?

I’m discovering that yes, there can be some pain that comes with being vulnerable and authentic, but with it all, there comes a tremendous freedom, and I’m finding that He’s helping me to grow into who I really am…

And all the times the enemy has tried to retaliate about something I’ve written on here, “that’s too vulnerable, what are they going to think about you? What have you done now??” (even now, I’m facing some resistance)…but when I’m obedient to what He leads me to, the Lord has confirmed Himself time and time again, and that has blessed me so much. ☀️ He’s this whole thing to teach me and to grow me so much further than what I ever imagined.

As I’ve discovered this “secret place” with Him, I’m learning that getting to be vulnerable with my heavenly Father is a treasure, and if He can use something He’s put on my heart, what a blessing, what a miraculous thing!

Lord, forgive me for the times I have deemed what You have given me as “worthless” or “not good enough”…forgive me for comparing myself with wrong thinking… thank You for reminding me, time and time again, that You created me to be who You designed me to be, and there is no one else who can be me, so I might as well do it. I might as well “be ready to wear my own clothing that You have given me!” You are trustworthy, and You can do the impossible and I believe that, and so I believe that You’ll be able to do something with all of the things that I have deemed “not good enough”. ?

Lord Jesus, I am also reminded that no matter what my clothing looks like, I can remember that I am covered in Your beautiful righteousness. You make a way!

“I will greatly rejoice in the Lord; my soul shall exult in my God, for he has clothed me with the garments of salvation; he has covered me with the robe of righteousness, as a bridegroom decks himself like a priest with a beautiful headdress, and as a bride adorns herself with her jewels.”—Isaiah 61:10

Thank You, Father. ☀️

-Heather ?

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