I vividly recall a memory…
I was in the restroom with the other girls
and I could not bear
to look at myself
in the mirror.
Because it was too painful.
Because I hated what I saw…
Because I SO despised myself…
Because I SO “hated” myself.
There was a deep, deep self-hatred in my heart, even at 12 years old.
in steps that I cannot seem to pinpoint
God led me through the intensity of that…
Which did worsen over the course of my teenage years, and into my early 20s.
The deep self-hatred turned into words that I would literally speak over myself
which turned into actions.
Which also started spewing out in my actions towards others.
It was a mess,
but somehow, by the grace of God,
I made it out of there alive…
…wounded, but still alive.
And in the years following those times, as I’ve found myself
on the other side of it…
At times, the Lord will lead me to places within my heart and my mind
that still need to be mended and healed.
And He goes deeper
And it’s interesting how the root things are really pretty simple.
He “simplifies” what has become so twisted and complicated.
Complication and chaos transforms into simplicity…
as He untangles the mess.
The mess of complication that I sometimes get myself tangled up in.
Complication that often covers up
the most simple, foundational things.
But all that He leads us into is GOOD.
These kinds of things may be a challenge to face,
we may say, “Oh no…” as we realize the things that have managed to still “hide”—mindsets, wounds, places that are still broken.
It can be hard sometimes, to look at the places where we are broken
“here and now.”
We like to get ourselves “through these things” and get “fixed” don’t we?
But He leads us to these things because He longs…. to “love us back to life” in these places.
And as He surfaces these places He wants to soothe and heal, I begin to realize the deep, deep hidden places…
where many of my actions are still driven by
And it’s okay… to discover these places.
Because the Lord leads us to see and realize these things…when it’s time to face them, when it’s time for Him to mend them.
He uncovers to RECOVER!
And we can face ALL THINGS with Him by our side.
Because He is the best Teacher.
And He knows us so well, so intricately.
He knows how I learn best.
And best of all…
He knows how to love me,
And so in His perfect timing,
He brings a new lesson for me.
And He knows exactly what I need to learn
and how I would be able to learn it best…
…He knows exactly when I need to learn it.
Thank You, Father. 💝 Help me to be able to grasp
what You want to teach me today, as I learn to go at Your perfect pace,
as I learn not to “rush through this race.”
So I’m learning,
to simply rest in Your love…
As You teach me,
as You soothe me,
as You infuse me,
as You speak into me,
as You remind me,
as You transform me,
…as You love me.
Thank You, Heavenly Father. 💝